Words are poison

Entrenched in everything that feels good is fear,

It burns like a scalding pot full of poison,

Where people await your presence to spit their venom,

Steer clear and far away from them.


Do you see my flaws now?

Does it give you inner peace to know I’m human?

Or will you still pull out another strand of my confidence?

Just to make me feel less perfect?


I never held my head low,

But now it’s sinking,

Straight through the ground, 

Into my grave.


I suppose that’s when I will be perfectly aligned.

Life changes in mid-twenties and after Graduation


I don’t know how many people out there can actually relate to what I’m feeling and thinking these days. 

After completing the much awaited Masters degree, I feel empty and lost.

It’s almost like I’m in a paralysis trance, where I’m unable to function on an emotional or mental level.

Some days feel like they’re just dragging, other days seem positive. I suppose that’s part of life.

Here’s how life feels like it’s falling apart after graduation:

1) Self-doubt: It’s almost like a sudden wave of doubt and low self esteem team up together to kick ass. Failed interviews and unanswered applications confirm the lack of confidence and add to a feeling of worthlessness. This makes you questions your dreams, purpose and aspirations.

2)People around you: After getting that degree in your hands, people will be all up in your face, asking questions. Lots of them! 

   Where are you working right now? Do you have a job yet? Are you engaged to be married? Why haven’t you applied to so and so      company? Why are you home all day, go out and get work?

The last one always gets to me and fosters a feeling of violence within me. I fantasize about slamming some of these people’s faces to the wall. But, I obviously won’t. Even if I did, I’d probably use my title of being the clinically insane one in the family as an excuse. I might as well make use of the title I have been given!

These interfering and curious people push you towards re-thinking your life and whether you’re doing it all wrong. A lot of these people will have negative things to throw your way. I can’t count the times I’ve felt like a failure in front of my own parents because I feel like I’m doing nothing with my life (despite going to those interviews and applying to God knows how many jobs per week). 

3)Is everyone else moving on, am I stuck? This is also known as PANIC MODE. If you have moved back in with your parents, there is a possibility you may hear them speak over the phone about how some cousin of yours got married. Another one got engaged. Hell, two of them had babies! This is where my reproductive system starts freaking out, there is no logic to my panic, but it sets in. I start wondering am I sinking in quicksand, has everyone already moved ahead? It’s easy to say that life isn’t a race, but guess what it sure as hell feels like a fucking race!

4)You start longing for something in the past: This is where it hurts. You miss your best friend, your room mates, maybe a city, maybe your University campus, those nights where you danced all night. You want to rewind back to the past where life felt fun and happy. What the hell happened? How did I end up here? Depression sets in and then a marathon of television series begins. Joy oh joy!

5)MOUTHS: Yes! Mouths, those things that people talk, chew, kiss and give oral sex with. Trust me, those are the foulest things on planet earth, mouths. People will jump forward to give you advice about shit you really don’t want to know, (hell I’ve found myself giving people advice). It’s what we do as people when we feel like someone is drowning in their life. Don’t jump into every piece of advice you get, be careful, but there’s nothing wrong with following a piece of advice that actually makes sense to you.

People will use their mouths to spit information, ask you questions and make comments that you didn’t want to hear. They will use their mouths to remind you of how your life is passing you by and ageing is a real thing. It’s funny when people yap about all this, especially when I think a lot of us actually want to improve our lives and we are well aware of ageing in our mid-twenties. Also hormonal changes like to remind us that it’s time to reproduce, earn money, pop babies and what not.


One obsessive thought






What I truly hate is the unexpected nature of how an obsessive thought can creep up on you and shake your comfortable belief system. 

Just a few minutes ago, I took a nice shower and settled down on my sofa to watch some television, BAM!

There it is!

A thought strikes me that makes me feel uneasy and I repetitively count through it several times, to justify it, to rectify it and to obliterate its existence at the same time. I can’t begin to put it in words how distressed a single thought can make me for days, weeks or even months, and hardly a second goes by that I forget about it.

One thought can haunt me for countless hours, making me feel enslaved to it. Slowly, feelings of guilt, depression and unworthiness fill the empty void I feel in those moments. After a while, I am surrounded by fears of things said or done in the hypothetical future that could make me question myself and my self-esteem. Lots of thoughts visit my mind from time to time, some stay, some vanish, others like making seasonal appearances.

All it takes is one thought to collapse my comfortable sense of well being.

To find myself, I lost myself, just to find myself again

I could have been faster,

I could have been wiser,

I could have been someone else instead of myself,

I strove for speed and intelligence,

But for what?


Just to reach there a little earlier,

Just know know a little more,

And in that race I lost myself,


What no one tells you in this race is,

It’s much harder to find yourself back again,

But when you do.

There is calm.

Days, I stop existing

You know those days of misery where I think of being unborn,

Not treading across the paths and words I have till today,

But that’s not how it’s meant to be,

I was supposed to be born.


Now I am here,

And my life is in shambles,

I’ve lost a love and aged in my memories,

I cripple past the present days,

Picking myself up,

Wondering how my mind had wandered a thousand years from the last time I felt joy.

Soaking friendship

Remember when I was roaming the streets of London in late hours of the night and your text would pop up on my old blackberry phone?

I’d sift through all the messages and decide to reply to it later when I reached my warm room and single bed. I’d flaunt to the world how you were my best friend. I’d complain and rant in our conversations about how the world should revolve around you.

I thought we were such fun friends. Things were so exciting and easy.

I’d receive your messages when you were high on smoking God knows what. I was usually at the library during those rainy nights trying to read for an essay. The distance of our friendship didn’t cease your uninterrupted demeanour which was so intensely beautiful.

When you laughed while we were texting, I can recreate a visual image of how perfect you must have looked.

But now I don’t soak in rainy nights, instead I’m drenched in my own tears and the reality of heartbreak.

You spin me around, let me go.

I can hear life hiss at me,

I protest when you don’t believe me,


Listen closely,

But wait now don’t you see?


The clouds are covering each inch of gloom and misery,

Your claims of forever after and mine of infinity.

They dissolve beneath the ground,

I’m tired of going in circles round and round.


Why do you spin me when you said we would lie down,

Now I’m tired and you’re lying on the floor,

It’s my turn to lie down and sleep.

Now you spin around.

Messy life after Graduation: Nothing makes sense.



When did my life become a mess? When did I turn into a mess?

Almost a year ago, I was back in London and done with my Masters degree, prepared to fly back home.

I didn’t know that things would turn out to be so cluttered.

My hell began the minute I left London, and reality struck me: This is real life, you are now an adult.

I’m sitting in my room, it doesn’t even feel like my own room. It’s late at night, and I’m wondering how I ever reached a point where I stopped appreciating myself. Self-doubt and low self-esteem is eating up my days. I try to fight it off, and ward off as many negative thoughts as I can. But nothing feels like it did before I stepped out of my last academic venture.

I crave for the old days, when I went out with my friends. I want to feel the same joy I felt when I watched a new movie or wore a new dress. But the only thing that surrounds me is self-criticism even if I wear a new dress or put on some eye shadow. I keep reminding myself that this phase shall pass away soon. Where did my confidence go, and since when has it become invested in the opinions or comments people hold towards me?!

I keep looking for solutions, but somehow I feel lost and stuck. It’s almost like life has lost its youth and excitement.

I used to love going out but these days, it feels like a drag and a whole lot of show of confidence to interact with anyone.

I never thought I’d be the one to feel this insecure and lose my passion for life. Everyone has ups and downs, but this downer seems to be going on for a bit too long.


MAYBE THIS ARTICLE ABOUT QUARTER LIFE CRISIS MAKES MORE SENSE: http://brokeassstuart.com/blog/2013/04/22/5-signs-your-going-through-your-quarterlife-crisis/