One obsessive thought

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What I truly hate is the unexpected nature of how an obsessive thought can creep up on you and shake your comfortable belief system. 

Just a few minutes ago, I took a nice shower and settled down on my sofa to watch some television, BAM!

There it is!

A thought strikes me that makes me feel uneasy and I repetitively count through it several times, to justify it, to rectify it and to obliterate its existence at the same time. I can’t begin to put it in words how distressed a single thought can make me for days, weeks or even months, and hardly a second goes by that I forget about it.

One thought can haunt me for countless hours, making me feel enslaved to it. Slowly, feelings of guilt, depression and unworthiness fill the empty void I feel in those moments. After a while, I am surrounded by fears of things said or done in the hypothetical future that could make me question myself and my self-esteem. Lots of thoughts visit my mind from time to time, some stay, some vanish, others like making seasonal appearances.

All it takes is one thought to collapse my comfortable sense of well being.

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12 thoughts on “One obsessive thought

  1. OCD can be a very dark place for many people, and it sounds like you’re struggling. I have suffered from OCD intrusive thoughts (about religion) before, and it was absolute hell. I hope things get better for you!

    • Thank you so much :)! Means a lot to me that people can relate to this. I’ve been struggling with it since a child, but luckily it isn’t as strong as it was during my teenage years. OCD is hell, but I don’t want it to get in the way of me living my life.

      • That’s okay! Exactly, we just have to push through! What type of ocd do you have, if you don’t mind me asking?

      • It used to be compulsive when I was in my teenage years, following certain rituals, tapping, knocking, tracing same steps back and forth, double checking things again and again and again. It was insane, I didn’t even know this was a form of ocd. Although I had a bit of an idea that something was different about me, later when I turned 19, it turned into intrusive violent thoughts against my loved ones. It morphed into severe depression, where I finally wet to a psychiatrist during my exam break and was diagnosed with OCD and severe depression. I got my act together as soon as I graduated, and I never looked back, but I do face hard days and moments because I mostly keep these issues and thoughts to myself. I could honestly just go on and on with my dreary story lol 🙂

      • Now I mostly experience pure O thoughts. Repetitive thoughts day in and day out. I try to shut them in the back drawers of my life and pretend like it’s not there. Lol

  2. Well im glad things aren’t AS bad. Its difficult to talk to people about OCD because a lot of the time the thoughts are ’embarrassing’ or irrational etc. Like with my ocd, my parents kept telling me I was possessed(!) which made things all the more difficult to cope with. But its important to talk to someone, so keep blogging 🙂

    • I know what you mean. I rarely ever speak to my parents about OCD anymore, because I don’t want it to be the only thing that defines me. Plus one of my parents prefers not hearing such stuff like it doesn’t exist or something. My parents were extremely supportive during my first depressive episode, however eventually I realized only I can be my own strength and no one else. There will come a point people will let me down and won’t understand my dilemma, that’s the day I became best friends with my own mind. Sounds almost creepy, but it works for me. I have a really good friend who has Anxiety Disorder and her parents thought she was possessed and did all sorts of religious God knows what thingies, where she was made to inhale some boiled scents and blah blah. I can understand where you’re coming from. I hope to read your posts in the future 🙂

  3. Yeah, I think with mental illness you tend to realize there’s only one person there for you; yourself! Oh gosh, she must be so traumatized, bless. Really hare how ignorant some people are when it comes to mental illness.Thank you, I look forward to your posts too!!

  4. Madea!!! Am here for u darling… I just want u to kw dt am reading, so keep writing. Love u babes!
    Ps: Nigeria needs u!!!

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