Life changes in mid-twenties and after Graduation

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I don’t know how many people out there can actually relate to what I’m feeling and thinking these days. 

After completing the much awaited Masters degree, I feel empty and lost.

It’s almost like I’m in a paralysis trance, where I’m unable to function on an emotional or mental level.

Some days feel like they’re just dragging, other days seem positive. I suppose that’s part of life.

Here’s how life feels like it’s falling apart after graduation:

1) Self-doubt: It’s almost like a sudden wave of doubt and low self esteem team up together to kick ass. Failed interviews and unanswered applications confirm the lack of confidence and add to a feeling of worthlessness. This makes you questions your dreams, purpose and aspirations.

2)People around you: After getting that degree in your hands, people will be all up in your face, asking questions. Lots of them! 

   Where are you working right now? Do you have a job yet? Are you engaged to be married? Why haven’t you applied to so and so      company? Why are you home all day, go out and get work?

The last one always gets to me and fosters a feeling of violence within me. I fantasize about slamming some of these people’s faces to the wall. But, I obviously won’t. Even if I did, I’d probably use my title of being the clinically insane one in the family as an excuse. I might as well make use of the title I have been given!

These interfering and curious people push you towards re-thinking your life and whether you’re doing it all wrong. A lot of these people will have negative things to throw your way. I can’t count the times I’ve felt like a failure in front of my own parents because I feel like I’m doing nothing with my life (despite going to those interviews and applying to God knows how many jobs per week). 

3)Is everyone else moving on, am I stuck? This is also known as PANIC MODE. If you have moved back in with your parents, there is a possibility you may hear them speak over the phone about how some cousin of yours got married. Another one got engaged. Hell, two of them had babies! This is where my reproductive system starts freaking out, there is no logic to my panic, but it sets in. I start wondering am I sinking in quicksand, has everyone already moved ahead? It’s easy to say that life isn’t a race, but guess what it sure as hell feels like a fucking race!

4)You start longing for something in the past: This is where it hurts. You miss your best friend, your room mates, maybe a city, maybe your University campus, those nights where you danced all night. You want to rewind back to the past where life felt fun and happy. What the hell happened? How did I end up here? Depression sets in and then a marathon of television series begins. Joy oh joy!

5)MOUTHS: Yes! Mouths, those things that people talk, chew, kiss and give oral sex with. Trust me, those are the foulest things on planet earth, mouths. People will jump forward to give you advice about shit you really don’t want to know, (hell I’ve found myself giving people advice). It’s what we do as people when we feel like someone is drowning in their life. Don’t jump into every piece of advice you get, be careful, but there’s nothing wrong with following a piece of advice that actually makes sense to you.

People will use their mouths to spit information, ask you questions and make comments that you didn’t want to hear. They will use their mouths to remind you of how your life is passing you by and ageing is a real thing. It’s funny when people yap about all this, especially when I think a lot of us actually want to improve our lives and we are well aware of ageing in our mid-twenties. Also hormonal changes like to remind us that it’s time to reproduce, earn money, pop babies and what not.

HANG IN THERE EVERYONE. I KNOW IT SUCKS. LET’S ALL JOIN HANDS IN OUR MISERABLE JOURNEY. 

I cry, because I believed my best friend and his promises.

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It wasn’t meant to be like this. This isn’t how I pictured it in my head. Things were meant to be calm and sorted, happy and exciting.

Then why does it feel like I’m coming to an end? Why does it feel like my passion for life is dying away?

You and I were supposed to make life easier. That’s what you told me in the beginning. I believed you. Every time you told me that things will eventually make sense. You paved your way through regardless of all the protests of logic and rationale I threw your way.

That’s what caught my entirety, that’s when I thought you would be standing by me all the time. I knew how to be by myself, I knew what it was like to live alone and be happy. But you promised that together we could create something magical in this mundane world.

I believed you.

Tonight I’m staring at the screen and typing in all these words. I’m thinking back to that moment when I held onto those words. Tonight I feel naive. Tonight I feel like those promises only lived in words and not in this world. I know you try. I know you do. But when I need you the most, you disappear, only to make yourself visible when I’ve picked up my pieces and cleaned the mess.

But you have pushed me off the edge now, and I have given you so much of myself that I’ve started forgetting who I am.