I could have been faster,
I could have been wiser,
I could have been someone else instead of myself,
I strove for speed and intelligence,
But for what?
Just to reach there a little earlier,
Just know know a little more,
And in that race I lost myself,
What no one tells you in this race is,
It’s much harder to find yourself back again,
But when you do.
There is calm.
You know those days of misery where I think of being unborn,
Not treading across the paths and words I have till today,
But that’s not how it’s meant to be,
I was supposed to be born.
Now I am here,
And my life is in shambles,
I’ve lost a love and aged in my memories,
I cripple past the present days,
Picking myself up,
Wondering how my mind had wandered a thousand years from the last time I felt joy.
When did my life become a mess? When did I turn into a mess?
Almost a year ago, I was back in London and done with my Masters degree, prepared to fly back home.
I didn’t know that things would turn out to be so cluttered.
My hell began the minute I left London, and reality struck me: This is real life, you are now an adult.
I’m sitting in my room, it doesn’t even feel like my own room. It’s late at night, and I’m wondering how I ever reached a point where I stopped appreciating myself. Self-doubt and low self-esteem is eating up my days. I try to fight it off, and ward off as many negative thoughts as I can. But nothing feels like it did before I stepped out of my last academic venture.
I crave for the old days, when I went out with my friends. I want to feel the same joy I felt when I watched a new movie or wore a new dress. But the only thing that surrounds me is self-criticism even if I wear a new dress or put on some eye shadow. I keep reminding myself that this phase shall pass away soon. Where did my confidence go, and since when has it become invested in the opinions or comments people hold towards me?!
I keep looking for solutions, but somehow I feel lost and stuck. It’s almost like life has lost its youth and excitement.
I used to love going out but these days, it feels like a drag and a whole lot of show of confidence to interact with anyone.
I never thought I’d be the one to feel this insecure and lose my passion for life. Everyone has ups and downs, but this downer seems to be going on for a bit too long.
MAYBE THIS ARTICLE ABOUT QUARTER LIFE CRISIS MAKES MORE SENSE: http://brokeassstuart.com/blog/2013/04/22/5-signs-your-going-through-your-quarterlife-crisis/
It wasn’t meant to be like this. This isn’t how I pictured it in my head. Things were meant to be calm and sorted, happy and exciting.
Then why does it feel like I’m coming to an end? Why does it feel like my passion for life is dying away?
You and I were supposed to make life easier. That’s what you told me in the beginning. I believed you. Every time you told me that things will eventually make sense. You paved your way through regardless of all the protests of logic and rationale I threw your way.
That’s what caught my entirety, that’s when I thought you would be standing by me all the time. I knew how to be by myself, I knew what it was like to live alone and be happy. But you promised that together we could create something magical in this mundane world.
I believed you.
Tonight I’m staring at the screen and typing in all these words. I’m thinking back to that moment when I held onto those words. Tonight I feel naive. Tonight I feel like those promises only lived in words and not in this world. I know you try. I know you do. But when I need you the most, you disappear, only to make yourself visible when I’ve picked up my pieces and cleaned the mess.
But you have pushed me off the edge now, and I have given you so much of myself that I’ve started forgetting who I am.