I could have been faster,
I could have been wiser,
I could have been someone else instead of myself,
I strove for speed and intelligence,
But for what?
Just to reach there a little earlier,
Just know know a little more,
And in that race I lost myself,
What no one tells you in this race is,
It’s much harder to find yourself back again,
But when you do.
There is calm.
I can hear life hiss at me,
I protest when you don’t believe me,
But wait now don’t you see?
The clouds are covering each inch of gloom and misery,
Your claims of forever after and mine of infinity.
They dissolve beneath the ground,
I’m tired of going in circles round and round.
Why do you spin me when you said we would lie down,
Now I’m tired and you’re lying on the floor,
It’s my turn to lie down and sleep.
Now you spin around.
It wasn’t meant to be like this. This isn’t how I pictured it in my head. Things were meant to be calm and sorted, happy and exciting.
Then why does it feel like I’m coming to an end? Why does it feel like my passion for life is dying away?
You and I were supposed to make life easier. That’s what you told me in the beginning. I believed you. Every time you told me that things will eventually make sense. You paved your way through regardless of all the protests of logic and rationale I threw your way.
That’s what caught my entirety, that’s when I thought you would be standing by me all the time. I knew how to be by myself, I knew what it was like to live alone and be happy. But you promised that together we could create something magical in this mundane world.
I believed you.
Tonight I’m staring at the screen and typing in all these words. I’m thinking back to that moment when I held onto those words. Tonight I feel naive. Tonight I feel like those promises only lived in words and not in this world. I know you try. I know you do. But when I need you the most, you disappear, only to make yourself visible when I’ve picked up my pieces and cleaned the mess.
But you have pushed me off the edge now, and I have given you so much of myself that I’ve started forgetting who I am.