I could have been faster,
I could have been wiser,
I could have been someone else instead of myself,
I strove for speed and intelligence,
But for what?
Just to reach there a little earlier,
Just know know a little more,
And in that race I lost myself,
What no one tells you in this race is,
It’s much harder to find yourself back again,
But when you do.
There is calm.
When did my life become a mess? When did I turn into a mess?
Almost a year ago, I was back in London and done with my Masters degree, prepared to fly back home.
I didn’t know that things would turn out to be so cluttered.
My hell began the minute I left London, and reality struck me: This is real life, you are now an adult.
I’m sitting in my room, it doesn’t even feel like my own room. It’s late at night, and I’m wondering how I ever reached a point where I stopped appreciating myself. Self-doubt and low self-esteem is eating up my days. I try to fight it off, and ward off as many negative thoughts as I can. But nothing feels like it did before I stepped out of my last academic venture.
I crave for the old days, when I went out with my friends. I want to feel the same joy I felt when I watched a new movie or wore a new dress. But the only thing that surrounds me is self-criticism even if I wear a new dress or put on some eye shadow. I keep reminding myself that this phase shall pass away soon. Where did my confidence go, and since when has it become invested in the opinions or comments people hold towards me?!
I keep looking for solutions, but somehow I feel lost and stuck. It’s almost like life has lost its youth and excitement.
I used to love going out but these days, it feels like a drag and a whole lot of show of confidence to interact with anyone.
I never thought I’d be the one to feel this insecure and lose my passion for life. Everyone has ups and downs, but this downer seems to be going on for a bit too long.
MAYBE THIS ARTICLE ABOUT QUARTER LIFE CRISIS MAKES MORE SENSE: http://brokeassstuart.com/blog/2013/04/22/5-signs-your-going-through-your-quarterlife-crisis/