Soaking friendship

Remember when I was roaming the streets of London in late hours of the night and your text would pop up on my old blackberry phone?

I’d sift through all the messages and decide to reply to it later when I reached my warm room and single bed. I’d flaunt to the world how you were my best friend. I’d complain and rant in our conversations about how the world should revolve around you.

I thought we were such fun friends. Things were so exciting and easy.

I’d receive your messages when you were high on smoking God knows what. I was usually at the library during those rainy nights trying to read for an essay. The distance of our friendship didn’t cease your uninterrupted demeanour which was so intensely beautiful.

When you laughed while we were texting, I can recreate a visual image of how perfect you must have looked.

But now I don’t soak in rainy nights, instead I’m drenched in my own tears and the reality of heartbreak.


Messy life after Graduation: Nothing makes sense.



When did my life become a mess? When did I turn into a mess?

Almost a year ago, I was back in London and done with my Masters degree, prepared to fly back home.

I didn’t know that things would turn out to be so cluttered.

My hell began the minute I left London, and reality struck me: This is real life, you are now an adult.

I’m sitting in my room, it doesn’t even feel like my own room. It’s late at night, and I’m wondering how I ever reached a point where I stopped appreciating myself. Self-doubt and low self-esteem is eating up my days. I try to fight it off, and ward off as many negative thoughts as I can. But nothing feels like it did before I stepped out of my last academic venture.

I crave for the old days, when I went out with my friends. I want to feel the same joy I felt when I watched a new movie or wore a new dress. But the only thing that surrounds me is self-criticism even if I wear a new dress or put on some eye shadow. I keep reminding myself that this phase shall pass away soon. Where did my confidence go, and since when has it become invested in the opinions or comments people hold towards me?!

I keep looking for solutions, but somehow I feel lost and stuck. It’s almost like life has lost its youth and excitement.

I used to love going out but these days, it feels like a drag and a whole lot of show of confidence to interact with anyone.

I never thought I’d be the one to feel this insecure and lose my passion for life. Everyone has ups and downs, but this downer seems to be going on for a bit too long.